What is Your Attachment Style?

Have you ever thought about the tendencies and patterns in your romantic relationship? For example, have you ever noticed if you tend to gravitate towards the same personality types or that you much rather spend time by yourself? If so, exploring your attachment style may provide some insight about why you develop certain patterns and tendencies when it comes to building relationships with others. 

According to psychoanalyst John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth, the attachment style theory states that the quality of one’s early relationship with their caregiver(s) determines how they can relate and respond to other people socially and emotionally in adulthood. Research shows that there is a correlation between early attachment styles in childhood and the quality of romantic relationships in adulthood.

There are 4 attachment styles: Anxious/Preoccupied, Avoidant/Dismissive, Disorganized/ Fearful-Avoidant, and Secure. Let’s take a closer look at what each type of attachment style entails.

1. Anxious/ Preoccupied

Individuals with this type of attachment style fear rejection and abandonment. They often seek validation, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. The codependent tendencies they develop often helps them cope with their anxiety. A person with this attachment style may be described as clingy, jealous, dependent, desperate for love, and difficult to trust others. This attachment style comes from unpredictable parenting habits that do not meet a child’s needs consistently. An example would be a caregiver who is in and out of a child’s life where the child feels loved at times but pushed away at other times. Typically, the child believes they are responsible for their caregiver’s emotional state.

2. Avoidant/ Dismissive

People with this particular attachment style struggle to engage in physical and emotional intimacy, therefore fail to build and maintain long-term relationships with others. An individual with this type of attachment style may be described as independent. He/she may feel threatened when someone tries to get close to them and may have difficulty trusting others. This attachment style stems from having strict or emotionally distant caregivers such as those that reprimand a child for depending on them or reject a child when he/she expresses their emotional needs.

3. Disorganized/ Fearful-Avoidant 

Individuals with this attachment style show signs of both anxious and avoidant tendencies such as alternating between being clingy and independent. They want emotional closeness. However, they have difficulty trusting and relying on others. A person may be described as having contradictory behaviors. They may be fearful of rejection or getting hurt and may be unable to control their emotions. This attachment style stems from caregivers who are inconsistent in responding to their child’s distress such as yelling at a child to stop crying instead of soothing the child. The child sees the caregiver as a source of comfort and fear. Common causes are childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect. 

4. Secure

Individuals with this type of attachment style tend to be able to build healthy relationships in adulthood. They have a strong sense of self and often do not have a problem trusting others. A person may be described as trusting and loving. They tend to control their emotions well and have high self-esteem. This attachment style stems from caregivers who provide security, validation, and reassurance without punishment. An example would be encouraging a child to express his or her emotions in a nonjudgmental manner.

The attachment theory offers great insight about relationship patterns. The theory looks at our past upbringings and explains how these patterns may manifest in adulthood. The good news is that our attachment styles can change over time depending on several factors including the type of individuals we develop relationships with. Research suggests that a person with a secure attachment style may change the tendencies of one with an avoidant or anxious attachment style if they date or commit to a healthy relationship for some time. Over time, the person with the more anxious attachment style can develop or mimic tendencies of the person with the stronger and more secure attachment style. If you are curious about your attachment style, here is an interesting quiz that you can take to help explore your relationship attachment style.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test