Parenting Corner: Descriptive Praise
Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn, describes the problem with the "everyone gets a trophy" philosophy, as well as the problem with praising every tiny accomplishment with accolades and excitement. I know giving praise doesn’t sound like it would have a downside, but think about the need for Facebook "likes" in social media. We no longer have internal satisfaction for a job well done.
I remember when I was a young mother, a friend of mine had me help her bottle peaches. I had never canned before. When we started, she showed me how pretty her other canned fruits were. I was puzzled by her statement. After we finished, I understood. Those peaches that we worked all day to can were gorgeous. It felt like such an accomplishment. No awards or trophies, just the feeling and understanding of what she meant. This is what we need our children to feel.
Most of us know the value of praise, but we don’t know how to praise well. We say, “Good job!” but the child doesn’t know what is good about the job in order to replicate the actions. Instead try, “I noticed you cleaned your room without being asked and you even cleaned under your bed.” Now, the child knows exactly what the good job was. Instead of “Awesome!” you might try, “I noticed you practicing your pitching and catching each evening, which helped you catch that pop fly.”
Here are some other helpful hints regarding descriptive praise:
The more description you can give the better, like a sportscaster describing a play
Focus on effort rather than results
A calm voice is used rather than an exclamation
Is about noticing and describing the positive things the child does
Sets a mood in the parent-child relationship because the parent is more aware of the child’s effort
Is sincere and believable
Can reduce the number of incidents of misbehavior
Demonstrates unconditional love while conveying values and rules
Increases the child’s confidence, maturity, self-reliance and cooperation
Give it a try and see what you come up with!