5 Signs You Are a People Pleaser

I hear this statement quite often in therapy, “I’m a people pleaser,” or “I did it to please my partner.” While people pleasing doesn’t come with bad intentions, it can escalate to over-compromising if one doesn’t set boundaries. As a result of wanting to please others, individuals may find themselves struggling to meet their own needs, which can ultimately lead to compromising their own happiness or identity in the long run. Let’s look at 5 signs that indicate you are over-compromising yourself:

1. You apologize too much

You apologize for things that aren’t necessarily your fault. Here is an example: you dine in at a restaurant and the waiter mistakenly brings out the wrong order. You let the waiter know and apologize for the inconvenience. You end up feeling so bad that you decide to leave a $50 tip and write, “I’m truly sorry” on the receipt. 

2. You cannot say “No.”

You find it hard to say no to things even if it compromises your time, values, or morals. Here is an example: your friend asks you to pick him up at 2 a.m. tonight even though you just told him that you have a big interview tomorrow morning and need to get a good night's worth of sleep. You agree anyway. 

3. You never give yourself “me time.” 

You barely set aside time for self-care activities and instead, make yourself readily available to others. Here is an example: you typically work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, and on your one day off, you always help your best friend throw fancy events even though you’d much rather be relaxing at home.

4. You need people’s approval to feel good

You only do things if someone else agrees with your thought process. In other words, you only feel good or you only feel that something is right when you receive words of affirmation. Here is an example: you constantly need your partner’s approval for all your outfits. You will even return a shirt you really like if your partner says it’s ugly.

5. You feel guilty for being selfish

You feel guilty when you set aside time to pursue your own needs and wants. Here is an example: your boss agrees to give you one day off after you confide in her about how stressed you’ve been. On your day off, instead of resting, you constantly think about how you could be helping at work; you then start to feel guilty for requesting the day off and tell yourself you will pick up extra shifts next week to make up.

 If you resonate with any of these 5 people-pleasing signs, take some time to reflect. Ask yourself, “Am I over-compromising in order to please people?” “How does it benefit me as an individual when I please others?” Lastly, “What are some consequences of my people-pleasing behaviors?”