Emotionally-Focused Therapy for Couples
Emotionally-Focused Therapy or EFT is an approach to therapy that is designed to increase emotional bonds, strengthen connection, and improve communication. EFT has been used in working with individuals and families, but much of the work using EFT is with couples. This approach can be beneficial for couples because it is designed to look both within the individual and between the individual and their partner. An EFT therapist will explore both partners’ personal experiences and attachment histories as well as the cycle of interaction and patterns within the relationship. As a result of this within and between exploration, the couple will be able to create safety, meaning, and comfort in their relationship.
EFT is different from other couples’ therapy approaches, both in process and outcome. For instance, an EFT therapist’s role is as a collaborator or consultant on the couple’s cycle rather than a teacher or coach. EFT is also primarily focused on the present or the here-and-now experiences of the couple rather than spending a lot of time talking about the past or family histories. Additionally, the goals of EFT are to create secure bonds between partners through a focus on emotions as opposed to teaching new skills or changing the ways in which the couple thinks. EFT does not see the need to change the individual but rather change the cycle of the couple’s interactions.
The work in EFT for couples happens in three distinct stages. The first stage is De-escalation, then Restructuring, and finally Consolidation. Simply put, in EFT the therapist will first collaborate on bringing the couple to a state of openness and curiosity while discovering how the couple interacts. The therapist will then support the couple in finding new ways of interacting that brings closeness and vulnerability instead of hurt and resentment. The final stage will have the couple and therapist ensure that this new pattern is lasting.
When looking for an approach to couple’s therapy that is effective in improving the quality of the relationship, supported by research, and founded in theories of attachment, EFT is the therapy approach to choose. The work in EFT is challenging, as it asks the couple to allow themselves to be vulnerable and explore places of deep pain. However, through this work, the couple can have a real shot at long-term happiness in their relationship.